To read the letters here is just like being face-to-face.
If I’m not married for the rest of my life, I think I would go adopt a daughter, namely you.
Never get me wrong! Your daddy is not a lonely hollow pervert who wants to molest a child; someday you’ll understand as a grown-up that he has nothing to do with the Lolita syndrome and he just prefers to be a passive love seeker too.
Nor should you think that such deep-rooted traditional concept as blood relationship would hold back my love for you to some extent; as you are the most important companion of mine other than your grandparents, I honestly don’t give weight to those pieces of chains called DNA, and I firmly believe that you’ll become increasingly like me with my brilliant guidance, and we’ll be much more like natural father and daughter than those real biological pairs. I will impart all my merits to you except my elegant unrestraint when spitting curses and sexy chest hairs.
The communication between us may start with my teaching you how to distinguish between leek and celery. Your daddy now carries a psychological shadow because he once confused the two and got mocked by your grandmother for years, so I’ll try my best to let you avoid making the same mistake. Naturally, your grandmother will be in charge of bottle-feeding you, as you know she’s much more experienced in that regard than me. I’ll be in charge of playing with you. I’ve been working hard with the proper way of cradling you, and I also promise that the height of the tossing-you game will not be over 2.5 meters, since I have acrophobia and am worried that you may suffer from the same.
I will allow you to doodle on my back, face and our house, but disallow you to write “pull down” on it, because we have to live in it for the future decades. However, I will not erase your masterpieces on the walls as I want you to look what you did with our residence when you grow older.
Don’t dislike and avoid the meals cooked by your daddy, who had always gone outside for foods possibly cooked with gutter oil before you joined his life and just started to learn how to cook healthy foods himself only after you came. If you find such foods are nothing but seriously a torture to your appetite, go to your grandmother’s place, but remember boxing up and taking back leftovers for your daddy.
Unfortunately, I cannot share with you any physiological knowledge and makeup techniques, so you can dress yourself up the way you like. If you have adequate knowledge of some cultures, I may permit you to tattoo yourself, but never embed metal balls in your body, because your daddy’s heart is not that strong to accept such a fact (beating my chest here). However, as a relatively different member of the male group, I will give you many advices on choosing a life partner. Of course, you have the right to choose for yourself and I respect your choice even if you fall in love with a scum. As long as he is nice to you, I would cut him some slack. Want to sleep over outside? Don’t even think about it!
Perhaps sometimes conflicts may start with this kind of thing. Time has eventually developed a gap between us. Each generation has its own distinct values. What we should do is not seeking to reach an agreement but tolerate each other, especially give more consideration to the other’s feelings. It’s much like you farted inappropriately as an infant when your daddy, I, was having a meal. I neither blamed nor argued with you at that time, since I knew that home is not a place for arguments but indulging each other.
In my previous life, you were my lover, so in this life I have to repay the love debt I owed you by squeezing out all my carefulness and indulgence. For I didn’t get a chance to seriously love your mommy once, I will double and give the love to you. Whether it is good or bad in your eyes, that’s the best your daddy could do. I hope, however, that you could grow into a warmest person who is kindhearted, sincere, upright and independent, having dreams and generosity quality.
Also I hope that you can lead a desired lifestyle just like you can have freedom, even though you cannot rid yourself of the worldly shackles too; leave all other worries of yours to me, your daddy, who is willing to fight against reality to the end of his life for your exclusive life, but I will not interfere in your choices, which, either shortcuts or detours, are the scenery you have to appreciate.
Sweetheart, I know that I’m still in huge debt to you even if I have perfectly done everything else. Perhaps on countless occasions when you see that other kids are sweetly picked up by their mommies at kindergarten while what you have is merely a father with a hairy chest, you may feel bad; perhaps there are some annoying kids sneering at you or hurting you in various ways that disgust both you and me just because you are a motherless child. At such times, you may come to me and ask “Where is my mommy?” I will tell you that your mommy is a traveler, who has been waiting for us somewhere to look for her. This is not a white but outright lie.
Someday when you’ve grown mature enough that I cannot put you off anymore using such lies, I will take you with me on a safe car trip looking for mother if you like.
We are to look for her in the flower sea around the Qinghai Lake, in the Altay Mountains, in the lanes of the Aden Scenic Area, Daocheng County, in the Meili Snow Mountain, and by the side of Namtso. In fact, you know that it’s a futile effort no matter how hard we try. However, what matters is not that we fail to find your mother but this trip, during which you spiritually grow up by witnessing various sides of the earthly world and fickleness of human nature as well as putting up with all difficulties, hunger and cold, allows me to feel more relieved when surrendering you to this world.
Sweetheart, once again, I see your traveler mother when I see you; I love her just like I love you.
Before you become an adult, I’m your cotton-padded jacket, eaves and umbrella.
Afterwards, I’m simply the road beneath your feet; as long as they are on me, I may rest assured.
There will be one day that I cannot understand the game you are playing or follow your walking pace, I know I’m about to quit your life; or someday, I’ll have to put your hand once put in my hand in another man’s, please understand that this process will be extraordinarily slow, because every second of hesitation is my recollection of every fragment of the past stories between you and me, a father and a daughter.
From your going after me wanting a cuddle to my taking you by hand to the food market; from my sitting in the kindergarten watching you performing a drama, to your sitting at the balcony listening to the songs for you sung by different boys downstairs. From “Daddy” a gentle call from your mouth followed by your trying hard to climb up on my abs when I was lying in bed reading a book, to always keeping your room door shut for whatever things you were doing. From you in baccalaureate gown holding your academic degree certificate and standing by me, to you in a wedding dress standing by another man today.
Thinking of this, I suddenly snap back to attention, realizing that you two, hand in hand, have gone far away from me. I don’t regard an old man’s weeping as a shame, and I prefer perceiving the feelings of your happiness that you’ve found your other half, although your daddy never had the chance of owning it.
Just like me, you are very stubborn, but don’t force yourself to stay with me because you two will have your own life. When I become a grandfather, I’ll come to see if my grandchild has a teeny wienie. If you think that my babysitting skill is acceptable and want to hire me, I may not necessarily say yes to the offer.
Sweetheart, as I wrote this, a scene from the past suddenly occurred to me. It’s your first time of learning how to walk. As I gradually let go of your hands, you lost your balance and fell to the ground; I hurried to scoop you up when you began wailing loudly in my arms because of pain. At the time, I had been wishfully thinking how wonderful it would be if you could pour all your sad tears and snot in this life in my arms.
Kind regards and caressing your head,
— 爱你的 墨爹